Dang, that sounds kinda like me though I never heard of RSD until now.
I guess it's like ADHD in that way: I thought I was just a lazy sack of shit until I found out I have a condition that I can treat with a pill. Then I could merely accept that it's not something I have control over, and I could move on.
Funnily enough no matter how great my life is nor how confident I feel, every once in a while a catastrophic fear of rejection will leap into my chest and I suddenly feel like I'm that poor terrified 15-year-old me, and I have to shake it off. I have much better tools for dealing with it now that I don't see it as part of my identity, much like I don't see myself as lazy.
I guess it's like ADHD in that way: I thought I was just a lazy sack of shit until I found out I have a condition that I can treat with a pill. Then I could merely accept that it's not something I have control over, and I could move on.
Funnily enough no matter how great my life is nor how confident I feel, every once in a while a catastrophic fear of rejection will leap into my chest and I suddenly feel like I'm that poor terrified 15-year-old me, and I have to shake it off. I have much better tools for dealing with it now that I don't see it as part of my identity, much like I don't see myself as lazy.