I've felt far happier moving towards success than actually having success.
There's many aphorisms supporting this: the journey is the destination; it's better to travel than to arrive; getting there is half the fun. People are enthralled by movies/stories about doing something - not having already done it. Emerson's Self-Reliance touches on this too (http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.htm), the soul becoming.
It's a bit logically absurd though - you're aiming at achieving something, yet it's the process of achieving that you really want... but absurd or not in theory, that's been the most fun for me, in practice.
I have experienced, and heard of others experiencing, something even more drastic: when achieving a goal after a long and exhilarating journey, not only was I less happy than during the journey, I was actually depressed, thought the thing just achieved was worthless, and didn't want it anymore. It's like a generalized postnatal depression.
Me too. I've also heard of one instance of postnatal depression where it was hoped that having a child would solve problems the parents were experiencing, both personally and in the relationship (I have no idea if this is a common cause of postnatal depression).
Assuming this is a general cause of victories turning to ashes, of trying to solve other problems with it... what to do? Should we disregard this feeling, and start a new project (have more kids/brain children)? Or try to find something that will be genuinely satisfying, and won't turn to ashes?
I don't know. But I think it might be more like this: 1. get the basics right 2. have fun.
1. basics
exercise, sleep, food
friendly, co-operative people, support/encouragement, help others and be helped
be factual (not emotional reasoning), discuss (see POVs), keep perspective
have a bigger philosophy: religion (Knuth and Brooks are religious), nature
2. fun
focus on the journey as enjoyable
don't see the result as a solution to *how you feel*
immediately go on to the next project
it's just for fun, not to redeem yourself or make everything alright
NB: I'm in no way commenting on your situation; I'm just replying to your comment to articulate these thoughts I've been having on this topic.
This is much like how I felt getting my PhD a couple of years ago, with a bit of imposter syndrome thrown in.
Even though I know objectively the thing must be ok (as I passed examination, and I chose tough examiners), I still feel vaguely like I shouldn't have and that it is not much of a contribution.
It's like - I only passed through sheer hard work, bluster and a tiny bit of cleverness. On reflection, I suspect that's pretty much how anyone gets successful at anything.
One difference with your description is that I was only rarely exhilarated through the journey - usually when showing my work to those outside the field; I was much more often plagued by self-doubt.
Thanks for mentioning impostor syndrome. I think it is indeed closely related to the "generalized postnatal depression" that we're talking about here: the latter is not wanting the thing I worked for anymore, the former is believing that it is not deserved.
This is common among olympic gold medalists who wake up feeling depressed the next day. I thought it was referred to as "morning after sickness" but I couldn't find anything online...
There's many aphorisms supporting this: the journey is the destination; it's better to travel than to arrive; getting there is half the fun. People are enthralled by movies/stories about doing something - not having already done it. Emerson's Self-Reliance touches on this too (http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.htm), the soul becoming.
It's a bit logically absurd though - you're aiming at achieving something, yet it's the process of achieving that you really want... but absurd or not in theory, that's been the most fun for me, in practice.